If you tried to make a pornographic parody of the Breaking Bad show its summary might read a lot like the latest police report out of West Virginia. The list of charges these criminals managed to land in one traffic stop is incredible. Nearly as incredible is how poorly the two of them handled the resulting situation.

Patrolman R.L. Hamm watched a white RV blasting through town. There appeared to be a completely naked woman straddling the (also naked) driver. Hamm later wrote, “I turned my patrol unit around and initiated a traffic stop.”

How a West Virginia couple incriminated themselves

This amorous couple knew they were busted. They were in an oversized motorhome, so definitely not outrunning the fuzz. The smartest course of action? Comply immediately and hope for some bonus cooperation points. But no, they didn’t do the smart thing.

“The RV slowed to a rolling pace but continued for approximately half a mile.”

After leading Patrolman Hamm on a bit of a chase, the RV finally came to a stop. The police officer got out of his car to walk up to the RV, and a civilian flagged him down. “A passerby yelled that the occupants had switched seats before I made contact with them. Upon reaching the driver’s side, I observed the female, whom I identified as Ms. Shannon Bryant, now seated in the driver’s position.”

With the sheer number of crimes the two had been committing in a moving vehicle, it would have been smart to clam up and ask for a lawyer. Again, they didn’t take the smart route. The officer asked what was going on. “Ms. Bryant candidly responded, ‘We were f—ing.”

Shannon Bryant (35) apparently hadn’t heard the advice, “Never talk to the police.” But its seems Matthew McDonnell (48), also hadn’t internalized this lesson. And he really had no excuse. Mr. McDonnell was “read his Miranda rights” which of course includes “the right to remain silent.” Afterwards he “agreed to speak without legal council.”

So what did Mr. McDonnell say. “He confirmed that both he and Ms. Bryant were naked and attempting to engage in sexual activity while driving.” That’s not all. He “also admitted that upon seeing my patrol unit, he and Ms. Bryant switched seats, and he instructed her to drive–even though he was aware she was impaired.” So he testified he’d evaded the police and urged someone to drive while drunk.

I’d only argue with the phrase “switched seats.” Technically, they were sharing the driver’s seat when the police lights came on.

The aftermath of the stolen RV traffic stop

Bryant failed a field sobriety test. Then the police had a K9 unit circle the RV. The dog alerted to a glass pipe with white reside and burnt tinfoil, a bag of white powder, and a grinder with what appeared to be marijuana inside.

At this point, police took Bryant to the local emergency room for a BAC test with a more accurate breathalyzer device. While there, she completely flipped on McDonnell. She told police he “had discarded items from the RV during the traffic stop.” She was very specific, “She claimed he threw an orange pill bottle containing Neutrontin (Gabapentin) and methamphetamine out of the window.” Police of course searched the area and found all of the above, and a broken glass pipe.

Finally, police ran the RV’s VIN and found it had been reported stolen from Princeton, West Virginia. They’d only made it 10 miles before being caught. Finally, after incriminating themselves in every way imaginable, the couple chose to plead “not guilty.”

Despite previous warrants out for his rest, and a laundry list of new charges, McDonnell’s bail was set at just $8,000. But he has yet to make bond.