“I hope this letter finds you well, so that you’ll forever have a sneaking suspicion that everything bad that happens to you from now on is a result of this interaction.” I don’t think I’ve encountered such eloquent musings since I read Larry McMurtry’s “Lonesome Dove.” See, Jerry Wayne Longmire has always loved Cadillac. Well, he did, at least, until he purchased a 2012 SRX for his wife. And his caustic words for the automaker stir up a fine Appalachian conjure if I ever heard one.

Jerry’s a comedian with decades of stand-up under his belt, by the way. He has a podcast, “The Reckon Yard,” and got a respectable amount of attention last year from his (hilarious) Truck Astrology shorts. In other words, he’s nothing short of a car enthusiast, and a very well-spoken one at that.

When he was just eight years old, Jerry rode in a 1965 Cadillac Deville. He was immediately enamored

“I bragged on your designers; I treated Cadillac like royalty.” And after many, many years of faithful Cadillac fandom, Jerry acquired the cursed 2012 SRX.

It’s a crossover GM built from 2004 to 2016. The second generation launched in 2010, until the XT5 replaced it.

2012 Cadillac SRX specs, features, and reliability ratings

The 2012 SRX got a solid bump in power when Cadillac replaced the older 3.0L and 2.8L engines with a 3.6-liter V6 that puts out about 308 hp and 265 lb-ft of torque.

It comes with a six-speed automatic transmission, front-wheel drive as standard, and optional all-wheel drive.

Fuel economy is modest: around 17 mpg city / 24 mpg highway for FWD models, dipping a bit when AWD is in play.

Interior feels nice and roomy up front, with upscale touches like leather, heated mirrors, Bluetooth, dual-zone climate, and some generous optional features (sunroof, navigation, rear entertainment).

Safety features are robust: stability/traction control, multiple airbags, good crash rating from IIHS and NHTSA in key tests.

On reliability, the 2012 SRX scores “above average.” RepairPal gives it about 3.5 out of 5 stars. J.D. Power assigns a quality and reliability score of 84/100, which is pretty good for a midsize luxury SUV of that vintage.

Owners note some common annoyances: things like trim pieces loosening, light-sensor or mirror issues, hatch glitches, and a large blind spot. 

Overall, on paper, it seems like a solid choice if you want luxury and style without diving into “exotic-SUV” maintenance territory. Clearly, this is what Jerry thought when he brought one home. Until the trouble started.

“I didn’t expect a car, 70,000 miles, to be trouble-free,” he explains to the automaker. “So I did the upkeep. Gladly.” He swears he even made peace with the “endless” warning lights that flare up “every time a ladybug farts within a mile of this place.” See what I mean?

“A monument to disappointment wrapped in leather and plastic”

Frustratingly, the problems with the SRX didn’t ever stop. Jerry ultimately replaced all the oxygen sensors in response to fault codes. But the Cadillac still thought it had a bad sensor…in a location that didn’t even exist.

“Maybe under the seat cushions…maybe taped to the owner’s manual.” Well, a new battery later, and the car seemed to “forget” about that imaginary sensor.

But by then, “the AC compressor had blown all its guts across the highway in the middle of summer.”

Oof. Anyone who’s dealt with that repair knows it ain’t cheap. “It’s amazing that a part that won’t last 100,000 miles costs like it’s made of platinum.”

But wait…there’s more

After that expense, the bad news kept coming. Jerry tells Cadillac that his EBCM (or Body Control Module) failed.

Jerry went to the dealer for the fix. The kicker: the part was already discontinued. “That ain’t service,” he claims, “That’s organized theft in a polo shirt.”

He says he reached out to independent module repair shops, but all of them refused to work on the SRX’s computer. “Every last one said they’d rather sit on a fire ant mound after a honey enema than take on Cadillac’s liability.”

At this point, he thinks he basically owns a 4,400-pound paperweight.

“Scrap value’s questionable, too, since they’d have to peel 2,000 pounds of Tupperware off of it just to find the steel.”

Here’s every curse he wished on Cadillac’s engineers and designers in charge of the 2012 SRX:

• Itchy spots in the middle of their backs that cannot be reached
• Every chair they sit in has one uneven leg
• Their wi-fi dies during the best part of every movie
• That their pillows are always humid on both sides
• Their fitted sheets pop off one corner every night
• The neighbors mow each time they fall asleep
• Every restaurant they visit is out of that “one thing” they like
• Their socks twist and bunch inside their shows
• That their smoke alarm batteries die only at 3 in the morning
• Every sneeze “vanishes” before the moment of release
• Their windshield washer fluid always has just enough left to smear dirt across the glass
• That their biscuits burn on the bottom and stay raw on the top
• Their dogs bark at everything except thieves

Talk about death by a thousand verbal cuts. He signs off: “With all the love I can muster, Jerry Wayne Longmire, Junior.”

The comments come with applause…and gripes over certain GM products

Here are just a few:

“Yup. I was working in a GM dealership when that pos was introduced. Knew then Cadillac was cheaping out.”

“A dealer service center told my dad they won’t touch any Cadillac order than 10 years old. If that doesn’t scream planned obsolescence I don’t know what does.”

“OMG Jerry. Every curse you placed made me laugh harder and harder. My Dad was a Cadillac man. He bought a brand new Fleetwood Brougham in 1991. He stopped to get gas and a ma told him how beautiful it was. Dad opened the door to show off the interior and the door fell off the hinges an onto the concrete. He would’ve loved this post. Thank you sir!”

“over the past 5 months, I have replaced 53 GM 5.3 rear main seals… 37 oil pressure sending units, 12 lifters and their corresponding broken rocker springs and bent pushrods. I’ve had less problems out of 1920’s Ford engines… and I hate Ford!”

I’ll let you absorb his hexes directly:

I also reached out to Jerry via TIkTok to see if he’s buying his wife another Cadillac, or just moving on.