As we all know by now, no car is perfect. But there are some that are just plain lousy to us. At MotorBiscuit, we spend a lot of time hunting for useful car tips, tricks, and trends. A lot of what we do is report on owner gripes. After all, who wants to unknowingly park a dud in their driveway? In this case, though, I want to share some downright funny complaints. I feel their pain, but I’m also laughing over how these owners put it.

“Red” is the new “lemon”

One driver bought a 2015 Chevrolet Cruze, mostly because of its enticing exterior shade. “The color red means speed and power, just like a race car,” they explained. “Yeah, it turned out otherwise.”

After only a few months, the car started overheating. The owner took it to the shop multiple times, each visit spent replacing cooling system components. But it kept overheating. One time, it happened on the New Jersey Turnpike. “So, three times taking it to a shop, they replaced the cylinder head, spark plugs, water pump and every other hose except the one leading to the wiper fluid.”

That’s a lot of expensive work. Did the car work fine after that? Nope. Next came wiper system repairs, a cracked and leaking battery, and a heaping pile of defeat.

“So this is what happens when you pick fashion over function. You get a lemon.”

This car ruined the owner’s sex life

Can you guess the model?

It’s a 2001 Pontiac Aztek.

“I bought this Whip thinkin id be all fresh and funky on the block, But i was stone cold wrong. W to the R to the O-N-G! YO!!”

The complainant claims the ladies only insult the Aztek. “I cant be pickin up the hunnies is this piece man, they all be like ‘yo sled ugly son!’”

Instead, they write, women “flock” to the guys with a Toyota Yaris or Honda Fit.

I selected an example of a 2001 Pontiac Aztek listed on Bring a Trailer for the featured image. Judge for yourself.

It’s balmy in Alabama, and this Ford Windstar’s melting makeup

“Whether you are going to church, work, grocery store or beach, you’ve wasted the cost of the day’s make-up application & your nerves are shot from kids whining about how hot they are in the back.”

Aside from the hot air melting your face off, “did I mention how miserable it is carrying 6-7 kids EVERYWHERE in a hot vehicle & how miserable they can make your day. Try it & see if you wouldn’t want to check yourself in a mental hospital just for a break.”

This is a 2000 Ford Windstar, by the way. The owner filed the complaint when the car was 12 years old.

Prince or pauper?

One owner’s Volkswagen Jetta swears they bought an economy car disguised as a luxury model. “It’s like this car’s proletariat heart cannot stand to be adorned.”

They say after four years of ownership, they’ve had to replace several hubcaps, VW logos, and trim pieces that all keep falling off.

“If the human body shed disease like this car sheds design cues we’d all live to be 1,000 years old.”

“If you like Christmas, you will like the Chevy Equinox”

This driver says that if staring at decked halls is your thing, the 2010 Chevy Equinox might be your car. Theirs, anyway, has a dash that keeps lighting up with warning signals.

The driver says they bought the car used with only 36,000 miles on it. But the problems seem endless. “I’ve tried working with GM and Chevy on this, of course no one seems to want to admit that the 4 cylinder Ecotec engine is a pile of reindeer excrement.”

“Before I reached 100k miles, I had a crankcase explosion. Of course, ‘Sarah,’ at GM (they are all Sarah by the way), did not understand what a crankcase explosion is. (Google it) I’ve put a new main seal in it, new transmission, multiple front hubs, new tires because they wear out prematurely due to a bad design, headlights that have to be changed by a gymnast.”

Okay, being a Sarah, I feel slightly attacked, but their gripes are cleverly put, no?

“SPORTS!” is ruining this so-called “rugged” car

The owner of a 2017 Subaru Crosstrek says the exterior paint is near unbelievably fragile.

“Every little flying object or abrasion seems to knock the paint down to the primer. My 6 year old daughter tried to toss a smallish piece of driveway gravel over her head and accidentally threw it forward (SPORTS!), underhanded, and it just reminded us of how thin it is.”

For a vehicle marketed as rugged enough to conquer trails, tiny stones seem too much for the car. “Wasn’t a problem on the Mazda this replaced, or on my 2005 Dodge RAM.”

They aren’t the only ones with the problem, either. An owner in California with the same car complained about the same problem. “Wasn’t a problem on the Mazda this replaced, or on my 2005 Dodge RAM.”

Long Live Samuel

“Samuel” is 2005 Chevrolet Colorado LS 5-speed. The owner, Chayse D., from New York, told their story so well, I’ll let them tell it:

“Let’s set the mood and start off the story with a little backstory.

Meet me, a high schooler down on his luck looking for a good 4WD for the disgusting New York winters. Then I meet Samuel, the 2005 Chevy Colorado Crew Cab, with a 5 speed manual. Oh the excitement. I get to truck my friends, school stuff, hobby stuff, and so much more all with a 5 speed and fuel-sipping 4 cylinder engine.

I knew Samuel was gonna need a little work, he had new power window regulators installed, on top of a thermostat (needed for these harsh sub-zero temps), and a little more unexpected behavior. But that’s another story.

I spend the night before cleaning and scrounging this truck. It’s been so bittersweet in the weeks I have had him, and I’m hoping we have finally reached a warm conclusion. I not only vacuumed and spot cleaned, I even wired up my Sony. I was really excited to show Sammy off to my friends for the first time.

DATE: Feb 15 2021 INT: Colorado. CHARACTERS: Boyfriend, mutual friend, and I PURPOSE: Eat our Taco Bell in the parking lot of a college campus

Here we are. Us three vibing in the Colorado, idling, “Sweater Weather” by The Neighborhood playing softly out of the back speakers whilst we nibble on Quesaritos, Chalupas, and other ding-dong delicacies. Banging Sony CarPlay deck and white gear-trimmed gauges illuminating the interior, heat carefully purring from the defroster to keep us warm from the 5-degree exterior. We had chosen to eat our food at a nearby college campus, which much like the Taco Bell from which we came, was closed and empty due the dining room at the fancy establishment we had ordered from was closed.

We’re warm and feeding, until a nasty shudder comes from the front end of the truck, the ambient idling turning into a grotesque metal-plastic noise machine until reaching silence a second later. The warning chime sounds rapidly, the vent turns from comforting heat to bitter cold. The gauge cluster display, reading just over 128,000 miles, flashes two words. “REDUCED” and then “POWER”

Turn the key, nothing. Turn the key again, nothing. Panic sets in.

I turn the key to OFF and open the door to shut off the stereo. I remove the key for a few seconds, play with the power locks in hopes it was a glitch with the security system, before closing the door and reintroducing the key to its cylinder.

Turning the key to start, pushing the clutch in, the little Vortec 2800 roars to life underneath the forest green hood. The heat returns, the Sony connects to my iPhone. Life is swell again.

Until this time, it gets worse. The dinging returns, the cluster illuminates a new red light in the shape of an oil canister, along with the word “OIL” on the digital display. A quick rev after this sudden “REDUCED POWER” shock was my first thought. Nothing. Panic sets in again. I shut it off and restart again. No issue. That is until the dreaded happens once more.

Reduced… a moment passed between screens…. Power.

The truck dies again

The day has gone totally now with a quick sunset and we are now in a large, barely lit parking lot, the automatic headlamps the most light we have. The irony is real, as the words “Is it still me that makes you sweat” presses through the speakers. “Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off”, by far one of the longest song titles I believe has ever been published, is pouring through the speakers. We are now Panic! at the Community College.

After a few moments with key off, door open, negative terminal detached in the cold, I reverse all my doings and get in again. Samuel roars to live again, all 4 cylinders firing smoothly. I let the clutch out in first gear and the truck moves with the same grace as it had before. The RPMS reach about 3,000 and the accelerator dies. The dashboard chimes, the display taunting me with the same message, and we’re coasting at about 5 miles per hour, foot to the floor, nothing, before coming to an abrupt stop, courtesy of me refusing to push in the clutch out of spite to my inanimate vehicle.

A call to the mother unit in hopes of reaching AAA leaves us in the parking lot for an hour and a half, heat quickly receding

To pass the time waiting for our friend’s mother to pull up to make sure we don’t freeze, we begin to take advantage of this now cold, immobile truck. We drop the tailgate, turn up the Indie-Alternative Rock music, and jam out in this empty parking lot.

A little over two hours after the final stall out, and about half an hour in the mom-truck, AAA arrives, where I go and my song and dance about the night.

I tell him “drop it at the drop-off address and just leave it. I’ll be by to deal with it”. He does so. I finish my night out with my friends and get dropped off, where I pull the truck into the garage to have a look the next day.

I was told to take a look at the throttle body and it’s sensor. Brand new. Along with spark plugs and other problem sensors. Distressed, I am trying a new PCM. Will update when the new PCM comes in.”

Update from Nov 24, 2021:

“Well it’s been almost a year and I forgot to update. Frankly I thought my post was denied or something and kind-of forgot about it. Samuel has a new PCM, among other things such as other parts exploding, those are other stories. We’re sitting at 142,000. Long live Samuel.”

– Chayse G., Dexter, NY, US

By the way, folks, all of these car complaints came from, as you might guess, CarComplaints.com.