No, this isn’t a John Wick-style “once killed three men with a pencil” story. A 28-year-old Florida man, described as a “transient,” woke up angry at a bus stop and threw a ketchup packet at another man.

The catch is Austin Simmons has a 2019 battery charge. That prior offense upgraded the new charge to an enhanced criminal count. Now he’s fried.

Court records state, “The victim was checking on the defendant to see if he was okay due to the defendant appearing as if he was passed out,” inside a Florida bus terminal. That’s when Simmons got saucy.

“The defendant woke up irate.” His target was Carlos Mora, who was trying to help. Simmons then “threw an opened ketchup packet at the victim.”

You might say, “Don’t cry over spilled ketchup.” But Simmons escalated the situation so quickly that someone called police.

Court records detail the ‘weapon’

The court documents are remarkably specific. “The victim had two spots of ketchup on his jacket. The ketchup packet was on the ground opened with ketchup pouring out of the packet.”

They do not answer the obvious question. Did Simmons pause to tear open the packet before Jackson Pollocking Mora? Or was he asleep with an opened ketchup packet already in hand? You know, just in case.

Simmons insisted he was simply “giving the victim a ketchup packet.” Worst excuse ever. Heinz down.

Officers caught Simmons red-handed. A search uncovered a small amount of a chalky substance police identified as cocaine. Authorities charged him with drug possession and felony battery, elevated due to his prior conviction.

Simmons now faces up to five years in prison. He remains jailed in lieu of a $5,000 bond. Let’s hope the cafeteria keeps its condiments under control.