As we said before, we want you back. Even under your “DS” brand, which aside from being my initials, is a pretty cool name. It sounds premium, it sounds mysterious, it… doesn’t have any umlauts in it, which is probably for the better over here. I mean, Volkswagen has been selling the Touareg here since 2002. Have you ever met any Americans who can pronounce that name? There aren’t many. Frankly, we’re more comfortable with names like “Ram” and “Jeep” and “Chevrolet.” You know, American-sounding names. Umlauts would probably mean death in the market. DS would work just fine here.
But that’s neither here nor there. Back in Septemberm we fawned over the Cactus M show car. So teal! So paisley! So beachy! With winter now upon us, I can’t help but notice your all-new beach-friendly E-Mehari and want in. First of all, it looks great. Second of all, we’ve already seen it called “weird” and “wacky,” and Citroën, you’re dealing with the land of weird and wacky here. Have you been following our Presidential primaries? If not, ever been to Florida? Either way, you get my drift.
Also, we’re about to be down one EV on the market. Mitsubishi is axing its i-MiEV – which you sell in Europe as the C-Zero – after 2016, which means we need something to fill that niche. And besides, they set the bar low. Really, really low. Through November, they’ve sold 106 of them here in America. I guarantee you’ll sell that many E-Meharis here in your first year. No, I bet you’ll double it! I mean the original Mehari was great, but you barely sold 100 of those here back in the ’70s. Now, clean ones are going for $45 grand at auction. C’mon Citroën, I know you want to come back in here and lock down that all-important electric topless beach-buggy market. It’s one of the 500 fastest growing segments in the American auto industry right now, and it’s yours for the taking.
So bring the E-Mehari here, Citroën, it’ll be a great way to break into the U.S. market. Sure, it’s a little crazy, but that’s a good thing. We like crazy. It’s like going to prison; once you establish yourself as the craziest one in the population, you have free reign to do whatever you want. And once that big Trump wall goes up, things are going to be a lot more prison-like around here anyway.
Look, I’ll use your words to prove why we need the E-Mehari here in America. You say it’s “Stylish, confident, offbeat, and even sassy….. we could use so many words to describe the new model by CITROËN.”
… Let me jump in here. I also have some words I’d like to add. I think it’s also important, necessary, urgently-needed (one word), and the-defining-electric-beach-friendly-vehicle-of-our-time.
You say “Incomparable, silent and stress-free, the E-MEHARI stands apart as a free spirit in the automotive market!” Incomparable? A free spirit? That sounds more American than a fleet of Ford F-150s delivering bald eagles to a Fourth of July parade in Washington D.C. You invoked freedom here, not us. We really need this thing now. Besides, the Secret Service is looking for a new Presidential limousine for 2017, if you catch my drift…
Finally, you make the E-Mehari sound irresistible with its “full, warm contours, smooth lines and a smiling front end.” And for the icing on the cake, you describe its “expressive gaze with dual headlights, the signature of the CITROËN brand.” Well Citroën, thanks to our concerned officials, our United States Department of Transportation now requires all automobiles by law to feature dual headlights – a cutting-edge safety feature. With this important life-saving measure coming standard on the E-Mehari, I think you’ve all but stamped your ticket back to the U.S. Now all we need to do is build you a dealer and parts network, then set a date. Just details, really.
In closing, you make some of the most unique and stylish cars on the planet, yet we haven’t had access to them since the Colts played in Baltimore, Nixon was in office, and broadcast television was relevant. Whether you bring in the E-Mehari, the DS lineup, or the incredibly cool Cactus compact, I think America is ready for you, Citroën. Besides, it’s Christmas, and the French haven’t really gotten us anything good since the Statue of Liberty. And that was 129 years ago. Not that it’s entirely on you, but why not have a heart and at least send a few cars our way?
Like classics? It’s always Throwback Thursday somewhere.
Follow Derek on Twitter @CS_DerekS